The Grief of Breakups
When a relationship ends — whether through breakup, separation, or divorce — it can feel like the stability in your life has suddenly shifted. You may start to question who you are and how to move forward. This type of grief is often overlooked.
People who love you want you to feel optimistic, “You’ll find someone new,” or “At least it wasn’t a death.” But it is a death—of shared dreams, routines, daily patterns, and the version of yourself that existed within that relationship. This is grief, and it needs the same tenderness and attention as any other loss.
Why Relationship Grief Is So Painful
Grieving a relationship isn’t just about missing the person—though that is likely present—it’s about losing the emotional and sometimes physical home you built together. You may grieve:
The daily connection and comfort of shared life
The future you imagined but won’t live
The sense of belonging or identity that came from “us”
The moments of safety, even if they were brief or complicated
A shared community that now feels fractured
Your attachment system is wired to seek closeness and connection. Our bodies know that we need stable, human connection to survive in the world. When your primary bond ruptures, your nervous system reacts as if it’s in danger. This can lead to a sense of panic, obsession, or deep emptiness. All of these experiences are your body's way of trying to find its way back to safety.
Understanding Grief After Divorce or Separation
Grief after divorce can be especially complex. Alongside sadness, you might feel relief, guilt, anger, confusion, or shame — sometimes all within a brief period of time. Perhaps you need to navigate legal or financial stress, family transitions, or changes in parenting, which can disrupt the space required for emotional healing.
There is no “right” way to grieve a breakup. Some people move through it quickly; others revisit it for months or years as they rebuild their sense of self. The key is to honor what was real, rather than minimizing it or forcing yourself to move forward before your heart is ready.
How Therapy Can Help You Heal Relationship Grief
Therapy can support you in gently untangling loss and helping you reconnect to yourself. In grief therapy, you can:
Understand your attachment patterns and how they shape connection
Process emotions like anger, guilt, or longing
Learn to self-soothe and regulate your nervous system
Explore the stories you carry about love, worth, and belonging
Begin to imagine relationships rooted in greater security and mutual respect
Grief after a breakup can be a portal into deeper self-awareness — not just about what ended, but about what kind of love you want to create next.
Relational Healing and Growth
If you’re grieving the end of a relationship, you might also be ready to explore how you show up in love.
You don’t have to move on quickly or make sense of everything right away. Healing is a process of remembering your wholeness.
Amanda Feaver is a grief therapist based in Portland, Oregon, and licensed in both Oregon and Washington. She helps individuals, couples, and communities navigate loss, change, and transformation.