Estrangement and Grief
Estrangement from loved ones can leave a hole in your life that is invisible to others. Unlike grief after death, this loss is often unrecognized, misunderstood, or minimized. You may find yourself mourning someone who is still alive — a parent, sibling, friend, or relative who is absent emotionally or physically. It can be confusing, isolating, and even shame-inducing.
Even if the relationship was complicated, estrangement can trigger profound sorrow. You may grieve the connection you wish you’d had, the experiences you’ll never share, or the sense of belonging that never fully arrived. These feelings are real, valid, and deserving of attention.
Understanding Estrangement and Grief
Estrangement is a type of ambiguous loss — a loss without closure or certainty. Unlike loss, where there’s a defined ending, estrangement keeps the door cracked open: you may hope for reconciliation, fear conflict, or feel guilt, anger, and confusion simultaneously. This ambiguity, mixed with the possibility of repair, can make it harder to process your feelings and find peace.
You might notice:
Persistent sadness or emptiness related to the absent relationship
Anger or resentment toward yourself or the other person
Difficulty celebrating life events
A fear of moving forward without the person you’re estranged from
Feelings of shame or isolation because others “don’t understand” your loss
Conflicted longing for reconnection
Ambiguous loss can affect your emotional regulation, relationships, and self-esteem. Acknowledging these experiences is the first step toward integration.
Why Therapy Can Help
Working with a therapist provides a safe and neutral space to:
Explore the complex experience of estrangement and grief
Reduce guilt, shame, anxiety, and self-blame
Learn strategies to set boundaries or navigate potential reconciliation
Process long-standing relational dynamics and patterns
Develop practices to grieve more fully while living your own life
Therapy doesn’t require you to repair the relationship. Instead, it supports you in holding the loss, honoring your needs, and finding meaning in the life you have.
Practical Steps for Navigating Estrangement and Grief
Even outside of therapy, you can take small steps to honor and process this grief:
Name the loss: acknowledge that estrangement is a real, significant loss
Express your feelings: journal, create art, or talk to a trusted friend
Set healthy boundaries: define what contact (or lack of contact) works for you
Get curious: about your patterns of behavior in relationships — and ways you could grow in relationships
Seek community: support groups or friends who validate your experience and are comfortable with your grief
Engage in rituals: mark celebrations, remembrances, or milestones in ways that honor your own life
These practices will help you give your grief attention and attunement.
If estrangement has left a painful gap in your life, therapy can help you navigate this challenging grief and find steadiness and clarity.
Amanda Feaver is a grief therapist based in Portland, Oregon, and licensed in both Oregon and Washington. She helps individuals, couples, and communities navigate loss, change, and transformation.